For thefirst time in my life I had gathered all my mental strength andwanted to express myself. Finally I wanted to show the world Iwasn't a middle aged man but really a girl since all my life!Didn't I deserve a little bit consideration from her side? No,she was strict. Ha, if she had been strict when I asked herright after we married to feminise me, to make me her wife. Ohyes, I used to be her wife, kind of, during the first two yearsof our marriage. She went to work and I stayed at home. She evenhelped me to buy dresses, skirts, lingerie or high heels butthere she drew the line. Never got to buy a wig, she neverallowed me to put makeup. Can you believe it? I always lookedlike a man in drag. I never was allowed to be the girl I so muchwanted to be.I ordered another drink, people chatting around me but I wasstill lost in thoughts. I should have left her then, but Icouldn't do that, I loved her more than life and still I didlove her with all my heart. That's why it was so difficult. The dark. In the dark I see a pussy spread open so clearly. How vulnerable is woman, that she should be made thus! How vulnerable a construction! An opening to herself. Leading inside to her most inner self. The man, he is outside of himself, standing erect and apart from his body. But the woman, she allows an entry into herself, a violation of her self. In the dark I see spread open an entry into her most private self. A surrender of autonomy, since she has yielded , and her walls have come down. How beautiful has woman been made, that she remains one unto herself and yet surrenders and becomes one with another! The dark. I touch myself and imagine the free flow of ideas and of feelings, the free flow of touch and the give and take, as her hand surrounds me now, as her hand slides along the length and encircles the girth, as her hand cups the spheres below and feels the source of the inevitable eruption. I touch myself but it is another hand that touches me in the dark. Sliding.
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